Sometimes
I get so frustrated with myself. I am the one who stands between myself and
happiness. But I am also the one who pushes too hard for happiness. I am
incapable of knowing when to stop and when to go.
I feel
like I put too much of myself into a lot of things. I am a generally lazy
person sometimes, yes. But when it comes to things that really matter to me I
give one hundred percent. I give everything, when I only get half of what I
give back. Sometimes I think that taking these risks is a good thing for me. I
never take risks, so I never get the chance to be happy. But what if taking
these risks this time means I’m only going to get hurt?
I’m so
terrified I’m just going to be left alone again. I feel as though I am putting
so much effort into this, and I am the only one putting effort into making it
work. Perhaps I am not giving him enough credit. He is a busy person and I have
been very understanding with that. I have tried so hard to not get the better
of myself and second guess everything. It is just hard to be understanding when
I feel as though I am giving him so much of myself and trusting him as best I
can and not getting anything back.
I’m
getting ahead of myself. Here I am, putting too much blame on him when I should
be reflecting upon myself. I started out well with that, and did a complete
one-eighty.
To be
honest, I really am just scared. I have been so happy with everything lately –
almost ecstatic. Things have been going so well, but the second there is a
lull, I seem to get cold feet. Is it that I am incapable of trusting someone
else, or just incapable of trusting myself?
No.
Maybe it isn’t that. I think the issue is that I have given my trust to someone
and I am afraid that it will be for nothing. I need to realize that this isn’t
for nothing. I need to relax and enjoy what I have in this moment. Perhaps I am
letting my depression get the better of me, thinking like this. It’s so dark,
constantly thinking something negative is going to happen. I have already
accepted the fact that he is going to leave me. But he wouldn’t leave me because of
me. No. I cannot think like that. He will leave to better himself, and I cannot
allow myself to stop him. I will not.
I know that
I would not want someone to stop me from going on to bigger things and
bettering myself. So there is no way that I could stop someone from doing the
same.
Some
days I just want to curl up into a ball and just cry. I want to be held. I want
to be a child. I cannot. I have to be strong for him. I have to be strong for
myself. Not enjoying the time I have with him would be a waste of his time and
not fair to him at all. I need to start taking advantage of the things I have
in my life that make me happy because I never know when they will be gone.
It is
not like I think I will lose him. But I have to keep in mind that I could.
However, I need deal with that thought in a positive way. Instead of fretting
about it constantly, I need to appreciate the time we have together while I can…
I just
need to appreciate more in general…
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