Something happened today that got me thinking. Maybe my inability to form a solid relationship with a boy has something to do with how my first 'relationship' in high school started. Maybe the idea of being rejected in the way I was has gotten me to think that I'm just not able to do it, or maybe it's not worth it. But then again, I think, if I know all of this and I realize it, why aren't I able to over come it? Is it sheer will power? Or is it something deeper?
I've let so many amazing people slip through my fingers because I wasn't capable of letting go of something that wasn't even real to him. And I now know that. Partly because I know he doesn't even give me a second thought anymore and I've realized that I don't need him. I haven't been able to let go and, although I don't think I'll ever fully forget him, I know it's time to move on.
Love at first sight sounds like a load of bull to a lot of people, yet so many people dream about it on a daily basis. I was one of the skeptical. I never believed in it and I hated the thought of it. Love at first sight didn't exist. That's called lust. That's what I always believed. And then something happened that changed my mind. I found that something, if not the exact 'entity' of love, could exist upon first sight. It wasn't necessarily lust for someone, but a want for their company, a want for there support, their love...all in return. But what I didn't get was the return. I gave and gave, and got nothing back.
So where did we end up? Back to not believing in love at first sight. No one is who they appear to be at first glance, and I now realize that that's why this didn't work out. I was searching for something in him that he couldn't return to me no matter what he said. I've been searching and searching for closure for so long, and I didn't realize it until now that I had it all along. It's been put right under my nose multiple times and I see it now. I have my closure. And I'm ready for a new beginning. I'm ready to let go of my past.
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