FADE IN:
Woods by Bon Iver is playing quietly through the speakers of a computer as some program on the History channel is playing on the muted television. A soft breeze blows in through the window bringing the sound of crickets and the air is sticky, almost heavy with the humidity left over from the passing storms. Somewhere in the background is the sound of a man snoring and someone moving around underneath blankets.
Why doesn't this feel normal to me? Am I asking too much of life? Or is it that I just can't do what I want to do? I'm missing something. I know that. Be it because I'm lying to myself or just can't find the guts to be honest when someone asks me a question.
I hate making everyone happy all the time. I hate lying to myself and not being able to speak my mind just to keep others happy. I tell myself it will just make things better for me in the long run, but I'm beginning to think that is just not true. I'm finding it harder and harder to keep my mouth shut when she sits there and looks at me, berating me, asking me questions then tells me I'm the one doing it to her.
I really hate it when someone knows what makes you insecure and they shove it in your face. Stress. Stress makes everything worse. But telling me that isn't going to make me feel any better. I feel so stupid. I hate being treated like a five year old. I just can't...I don't...
I don't know what I want anymore. I can't keep living like this. But how am I supposed to change things when I'm on this leash? It's not going to happen anytime soon, I can tell you that.
No comments:
Post a Comment