You're steady as I come undone

There are so many things I want to admit to myself. But I can’t. So many things I wish I could say to myself, but in the form of someone else. I want someone to say it to me. You are a coward. You are selfish. You are hurting people you love. But no one would say that to me. At least...not to my face. I wish they would. I need to hear it. Am I the only one that sees it? Am I the only one who truly realizes what I'm doing?

But if realize it, why am I still doing it? I wanted to stop doing this. I want to feel something for once. I want to feel something that doesn't hurt. I don't want to wait for something to go wrong and then feel relieved when it does go wrong. I want something to go right. I feel like I rationalize things too much. I over think it all. I make something out of nothing. Constantly. I try to keep my distance from everyone, but even tonight I realized I love someone I thought I didn't love. I don't love him the way everyone thinks of as love though. He's one of my best friends and the realization that he's leaving soon hit me hard tonight. I know he's making the best decision for himself, but I don't think he thought of any us when he made this decision. 

I just need to stop trying to run other people's lives.

I wish I could make sense of my thoughts. I tried to the other night by talking to someone. But where he felt I understood myself, I felt I was just running in circles. Everyone thinks I understand myself so well. I wish I could say I did. I want to understand myself. But I can't. I don't.