I don't think people understand how insecure I am...how shy I actually am. It's true, I am an outgoing, friendly girl, but on the inside I'm just as terrified as the next person. I had someone tell me that he saw past the shell I had built. I think that terrified me more than anything. I'm afraid of what people will find there. I'm afraid they'll see the tiny girl who has fallen to pieces and can't put herself back together. I know so many people judge me for how I handle things and how I react. So many people don't and will never understand my coping mechanisms. I don't want them to. I can't ask them of that because they don't know my thoughts...they don't know who really lies behind that wall.
It's kind of like I will never be happy with myself. When I think I'm comfortable with my weight, something comes around and I'm all of a sudden unhappy with myself. When I finally think I'm fine and the anxiety has ebbed, something comes around to remind me why I was anxious in the first place. When I've finally come to terms with things and think I have my feet on the ground, someone comes to pull the ground right out from under me and sweep me off my feet to a land of fairy tales and lies.
I'm so sick of being the strong, happy person everyone sees. I want to be tired and broken and sad like I am without having someone look at me and think "oh god, she's one of those crazy girls." Because I'm not. I feel like that's what freaked out the last guy I was seeing. I got insecure about our relationship and stopped trusting him and had a panic attack while at his house. I think it freaked him out. I hate that. I hate the way I am. But I also hate other's reactions to it. Because I'm not crazy. I'm scared. I need fixing. I'm not going freak out all the time, but I need someone who is going to be able to be there to make it okay. I need to be the one held for once. I just need to be loved I guess....
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