So apparently, even if I hadn’t wanted to face all of my
feelings I would have had to eventually. I realized this last night when I had
a guy sit there and tell me everything that was wrong with me…about six hours
after we’d met. I am not really sure where he came from, but I needed him. He
tore me down. He made me feel like absolute shit. Everything I have hated about
myself for so long, he saw. He pointed it out. He told me I was a terrible
person. But none of it was in a bad way
in the least. That’s what is so strange…
But then he made me want to fix it. Somehow, he understood.
Unlike all of the people who have known me for so long and know half of my
deepest, darkest secrets, he understood. Everyone has always just stood by and let
me do whatever. He told me I need to stop it. No one ever notices how miserable
I am, and yet someone who was practically a complete stranger told me he saw
how miserable I seem to be. He even understands my love for my cat, as stupid
as that sounds. He looked at me and said something along the lines of, “You
love her because you can come home and no matter what she loves you. There’s no
judgment.”
For whatever reason, I wanted to face myself and I found
this guy and he made me do it. I mostly feel like I’m rambling, but I just don’t
get it. How can someone make you feel so awful but so amazing at the same time?
He makes me want to be a better person though. No one can make me a better person but me. I
damn well am going to try. And I realized a lot of things last night. I was somewhat
aware of a lot of it, but it really hit me last night how much I’m entirely
fucking up. I need to stop willingly giving myself up to this emotional abuse,
even if it’s all unintentional. I need someone. I need help. I do. I need to
walk away from a lot of things and straighten a lot out. The problem is, I don’t
want to do it alone. And for once I don’t think I have to do on my own.
Finally, I don’t feel completely abandoned at the end of the day.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m terrified as hell. Every time I’ve
let someone in they just end up fucking with my head. I don’t want to do that
again. I want to trust him. I do. I’m just not sure if I can do that yet.
I’m getting way ahead of myself. Shit.
And I move slowly, just slow enough to make you
uncomfortable.
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