the storm never came, or it never was

I have done a lot of crying lately. Most days I'm not even really sure why. I just get really sad. There are some days where something triggers it - a song, a book, something someone says to me. More often than not, however, there is no reason why. I just start crying.

I've done a lot of thinking while I cry. It is quite inevitable. I am sure most people know what I mean when I say that your mind tends to wander when you are alone in your room with no other company besides the voices in your head. I have done a lot of things that I am not proud of. In no way shape or form do I regret any of it. These things are what made me who I am today. I will never deny these things. And I sure as hell will not forget who I did them with.

I have met so many amazing people these past three year that have joined me in my shenanigans. All this time to myself and all of this thinking keeps bringing me back to the same place - where my life is going. I love all of these people dearly. I love them with every piece of my being. But I cannot deny the fact that I cannot keep them. It hurts to think that in this coming year there will be a lot of goodbyes.

All of thee people who have gotten into trouble with me and helped make me who I am today could be gone in the blink of an eye. 

I am aware that we all have to go our separate ways, but I hate how much it hurts to realize this. There are people I know I will never lose. We have made that much clear. Some friendships can never be broken. But standing here looking at myself and the rest of these people, I cannot help but wonder what will really happen.

Will I have the energy to put in an effort to uphold these relationships? Will they? I mean for fucks sake, the only man that has ever made me feel something in my pathetic life is making me feel as though what we have is ending already. I do not want to believe that it is, but how can I hold on to something that I know I cannot keep?

I find it increasingly difficult to be present and active in many relationships when I know that all I have to look forward to is them ending. I try so hard to live in the moment and appreciate what I have. I really do. Although sometimes there are days that I think to myself that it might just be easier in the long run to end it while I still can, before someone (or something) else does. Would the distance now make the distance in the near future easier to cope with? Or am I just going to deny myself of the happiness to only be unhappy in the long run?

I am just so very tired all the time. I put so much effort into things that make me happy, and it is exhausting. It is a good exhausting though...for the time being. 

I am dreading the day when it seems these things never really existed.

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Welcome to the inner workings of my mind

So dark and foul I can't disguise