now i try to sleep, but all i can hear is the beep

Years ago, I never would have admitted that I was living with anxiety. And it crippled me in a way that no one would understand. I had severe panic attacks and I hid it from everyone. I let it run my life so when I was anxious, I was anxious. There was no stopping it. I was constantly in a fog that would never clear no matter how hard I tried.

Now, I admit that I live with anxiety.

Now, it cripples me in a way that may be even worse.

Being able to shut off your anxiety gets easier when you come to terms with the fact that you are anxious person. But I cannot help but think it was easier when I denied the fact that the creeping feeling in the center of my chest meant I would lose it. I would let it take over and afterwards, I would feel better.

I cannot help but feel that telling myself that I am being irrational is making things worse. I prolong the anxiety and I worry about things I know I should not be worrying about instead of crying for no apparent reason. Instead of feeling what I am feeling, I shut it off. I stop feeling. I hate talking about it. I hate other people knowing I am not okay.

How do you explain to someone you love that your brain literally tells you that the whole world is against you? How do you explain that you realize your thoughts are irrational, but you cannot stop them? I do not want to shut people out. It is just easier for me to deal with it on my own than admit to someone else that I do not think I will ever love myself the way they do.

I am trying. I try every day. I want to love myself, but some days I come up short. I put up the wall to keep everyone else out and somehow that wall keeps me out too...