somebody that i used to know

I have been feeling a little bit off lately. I am not sure if it is because I met someone that kind of knocked me off my feet with a slap to the face, or if I am just not taking care of myself properly. Maybe it is a little bit of both.

Either way, I met someone that reminded me of how I used to be. I am not sure if he reminded me of me or if he made old feelings surface from the way he treated me. On top of feeling like crap about myself already, those feelings just doubled my funk.

I do not like thinking about my past. I was an awful person to a lot of people and there are a lot of things I regretted for a long time. But I forgave myself for those things (or at least tried to) a long time ago. I do not know why I am beating myself up for it now...

I know I am not that girl anymore. I am happy with where I am at and the man in my life. He has helped make me who I am today and never stops encouraging me to be the best that I can be. He called me today to make sure I was doing okay because I told him I was feeling down. It is things like him calling that remind me that I am not that insecure little girl anymore, nor am I an awful person. And it is bizarre to get a little glimpse of my previous self from my point of view now, because it is weird to want to hate yourself.

Its kind of funny when you hit that point in your life where you realize that you want completely different things than you did a year or two ago. Especially when you see those things you wanted in someone else and wonder why you wanted them at all. I used to be so bored. And even though I would have never admitted it to myself then, I was lonely. And maybe that is why that boy knocked me off my feet. I saw myself in him. At nineteen years old, alone and still struggling to figure out where he is going or what he is doing with his life, he reminded me so much of me.

I am not sure. I need some time to figure stuff out on my own. I appreciate help most days, but I really think I just need some time to myself to think things over and deal with this on my own. Having to be an adult and realizing I am no where near the person I was two years ago is kind of hard to wrap my mind around. I am not upset about it. It is just really hard to distinguish my current feelings from those silly little voices in the back of my head that try to break me down from time to time. And those...well, my voice is the one I need to deal with on my own.