mirage

I would like to say that I did not see this coming, but I think I knew it was going to happen. Two and a half years of my life down the drain, and for what? A "I don't see us together in five years"and a "You're too free spirited for me"and a "You make me feel too comfortable."

Thanks. But fuck you.

It's funny how loving someone can prevent you from seeing things and the second the veil drops and the anger comes in, you see all the things that were wrong between you both. I'm holding onto that anger because it's the only thing that's keeping me from falling apart right now.

I never pretend to be someone I'm not and I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's not like you don't know what you're getting with me from the moment you meet me. Because I'm more of an open book than I would like to be. Sometimes I hate it that everyone knows how I'm feeling ninety percent of the time.

But I'm going to keep my head up and look at this as a good thing. I've felt so much anxiety thinking about what my life is going to be like in the not so distant future, and maybe this is why. Maybe it was because I was fooling myself into thinking that things could work. And I now that he's made his feelings clear, I can see that things probably wouldn't have worked out down the line. Maybe I would have been the one to say, "Hey this isn't working." But I would not have done so in the manner he did.

The knot that's been in my chest for the past few weeks has finally loosened and I feel like I can grow even more as a person. I'll try to think of this as him trying to let me spread those damn free spirited wings, but I'll always know that's not what it was about.

I'm upset, sure. But I'm also incredibly furious. Why do people have to beat around the bush with me all the time? Are they trying to spare my feelings? Or are they trying to spare their own? Because trying to spare my feelings isn't preventing me from being upset, it just makes me pissed.

I was too hopeful when it really came down to it. I was trying to make something work that never should have worked in the first place. He started it and he ended it and I was just along for the ride. I still feel raw, and the pounding in my head might not go away for a few hours, but perhaps it's smart to just close the door on this and start a new chapter in my life...