So wow...it's been a while since I posted on here. Last one was the breakup post. It's weird reading that and remembering how I felt. We got back together a month later, but some of those feelings still sit in the pit of my stomach and I'm always afraid he's going to break up with me again. But why? It's not like he could do any more damage than he did that day. I think it was just because it was so out of the blue. If we ever break up again I think I'll handle it better, because - let's be honest - no one can make promises for the future. I don't know if he'll have feelings for me in five years or vice versa. But I guess we'll figure it out if the time ever comes. For now, we've talked it over. We worked on things together and our relationship is a lot better than it used to be. Not perfect by any means, but that's not possible for anyone. Even my wonderboy.
Anyway. Moving on.
I'm finally ready to face another skeleton in my closet. There's a wall between us because I can't get over something in my past. I short change myself constantly over it, and I need to accept that it happened. I need to say it out loud to someone and not just type it. People always talk about how they feel shame after something like that happens. They do not want to admit that it's actually what happened or refuse to call it what it is. And I am "they". I do not even want to say it here because I am still not convinced that's what happened, but others have told me differently.
I guess I'm just embarrassed. I told so many people about it when it first happened because I had not thought it was that big of a deal. And it wasn't in a certain context, but when I really took a step back and looked at the situation...I realized it was a big deal. I lied about it for a really long time to him. I was ashamed. It gave me anxiety. It gives me anxiety.
I'm not really sure how to get over this. No. Maybe I don't need to get over this. I just need to accept that it happened. Deal with it. I've been ignoring the problem for far too long and I'm hurting the man I love by being so back and forth, but he was pushing me further than I could take. He apologized and I felt even worse, but I shouldn't. That's the guilt I'm trying to get rid of. His apology was necessary, but it wouldn't have been warranted if I had just been straight up about it in the first place.
Ack. My brain is restless. I guess this is why I went back to therapy. I've been making strides in my sessions, but I need to start taking the reigns. I've been too shy with my therapist and I went back to therapy to work through all of my shit. I am so sick and tired of the skeletons in my closet haunting me. Had a lot of ups and downs lately. This week has been one hell of a down. I've enjoyed playing video games and I'm living vicariously through TV shows about high schoolers, because it's easier to cry about some petty shit on a TV show than face my own demons. I have not left my apartment in almost a week. The only people I've seen were those who delivered food to me.
Bleh. I'm pathetic. No. I'm not, I just sound pathetic.
I'm going to get my shit together and get the most out of therapy.
I need to work on myself. Funny, that's what I told him when we got back together and now I'm saying it to myself...
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