I keep telling myself it's dream. You know - because sometimes my dreams are so real that I confuse them with reality. But I know it is real. I know it happened. And I am not really sure how to feel about it.
I promised myself that I would start keeping things to myself. I share too much. I am too open with others. Well, I am doing a pretty damn good job of keeping things to myself. Not in an unhealthy way like I used to, but rather in a way that keeps me and anyone else involved from getting hurt. I simultaneously feel like I've grown up and not learned a thing.
I never dreamed I would be in this situation, but in the past I always had freedom to just walk away. Not to say that I do not have freedom. I do. But I just do not know if I am happy. I keep telling myself it is because I am lonely when we're apart and I don't want to feel that way. Because when we are together I have fun, I am happy, and I enjoy our time together.
But we fight more often now. I feel like my feelings come out in subtle ways. I get passive aggressive unintentionally. I get annoyed. I want to pull away when we are together even though I get so much time alone.
The dreams and nightmares I have are becoming frequently too realistic. When I wake up, it takes time for me to delineate reality from dreams. Which means I get angry for no reason. Other times I have to think back on something and wonder if it really happened and I don't remember well enough because I was drunk and emotional or if I just dreamed it.
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