I keep trying and trying to make myself a better person. But I am starting to wonder if I can get any better than I already am. Not saying that I am perfect - because I most certainly am not perfect - but maybe I am where I am supposed to be. I am who I am and no matter how hard I try to change that, it doesn't make any difference. I like solitude. I think a lot of people are incompetent, but there are still tons of intelligent people in the world. I know what I want, but at the same time I do not. I feel just fine. I feel okay, but I feel empty. Like something is missing. Still. How long have I felt like this? I cannot even begin to remember how long it has been. Maybe it isn't emptiness. I do not know. I am just scared. Of what I am not really sure.
I just know that every time someone tries to fill that empty void I end up freaking and back out. Maybe I back out because I am scared that I will mess it up...or maybe that they might mess it up and I don't want to get hurt. Or maybe it is because I know that it is not right and that neither person is ready for what the other wants. Now that I finally have a chance to be in something good for once I am even more terrified than I have ever been when I knew what I was getting into was not good for me. Will I push him away like I have everyone else? Or will I have the guts to give us a chance? Will he give us a chance? I cannot honestly answer that right now. I wish I could because it would make me feel better, but for some reason I cannot see how I could answer those any time soon.
It will not be easy. He has not made it easy from the beginning. Then again, I might push too hard. But all I see is faults. Mine. His. What we would have together. Empty gaps that I cannot fill if he ends up not being able to fill them. Perhaps it is not him that livens my taste. Perhaps it is only the idea of him and what he is or could be that makes me feel like I do. And maybe that is what is scaring me so much. There are so many things I have seen lately...
They somehow all seem to be out of reach. I cannot grasp them if I wanted to.
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