My Heart is Out At Sea: just like you, like me, like everybody else

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

just like you, like me, like everybody else

It baffles me how one person can evoke such feelings in you. For someone to have the ability to make me so extremely sad and happy at the same time, is just amazing. What gets under my skin the most, however, is not knowing why I get so worked up around that one person. I feel everything; good and bad. The vast amount of emotions that we feel as humans is overwhelmingly painful sometimes. That right there, just doesn't even make any sense. I suppose, perhaps, emotions aren't meant to make sense. If they did, we would not react the way that we do, so radically and slightly delusional at times. In and of itself, emotions yield emotions. It is hard to stop once you get started, and before you know it you're in a clusterfuck of sorrow and remorse and giddiness and jealousy and heartache and joy and anger and so many other things that your mind just overloads.

You break.

I don't love him. I can't. I won't. I'm not trying to make excuses or justify what I'm feeling. At this point I'm just letting myself feel it. I sat there tonight and I let him touch me. As he did so, everything crashed over me like wave after wave on the shoreline. Every wave hit me like a punch in the gut. Am I hurting myself? Am I going to hurt him? I wanted so badly to say something - to ask him. What is this? I wanted so badly to just turn to him and say "You confuse the hell out of me and I have no fucking clue what to do with you." But you don't just say that to someone. At least I do not. I have no faith in other people to react with a level headed attitude. Everyone else's emotions are just as unstable as mine, right? So why trust them?

There are so many days where I doubt myself completely. How are you supposed to implicitly trust someone and give them everything you can when you can't even trust your own self. I never know when something in me might snap and I'll turn my back on myself. Maybe I should work on that before I attempt to let someone else in this dark cavern I call my mind.

Sheesh, I'm just talking myself in circles.

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About Me

I love: my kitties, talking in a British accent, classical music, rainy days, warm autumn nights, hugs, taking pictures, milk, warm beds in cold rooms, smoking, long drives on rainy days, orange soda, cheese, books, my laptop, collecting things, traveling, friends, scary movies that are so bad they make me laugh, quoting things, laughing so much to the point where I almost pee myself, cuddling, sunsets and Lake Michigan.
I dis-love: no wireless, exercising(but I do it anyways), slow drivers, complete silence, ninety degree weather, snow, and noisy rooms.

My name is Shelby. I'm your typical college kid with random, weird habits. I'm not perfect and I don't pretend to be. I love writing, but I'm not always the best at it. I'm ambitious for my age. My life's not interesting, but that's alright. The littlest thing can put a smile on my face. I spend too much time on the Internet. I don't make much of a difference in the world yet, but someday I'm going to do something important. This is my story.