I know I should be happy. I have no reason not to be. But some days it just gets to the point where I have no feeling left and the numbness just overcomes me. Other days the emotions are so overwhelming that they just spill over and I break. I can't find a happy medium and I feel like I'm just wandering around trying to find something. Yet, I have no idea what it is I'm looking for.
It seems frivolous, searching for something to make you happy. Shouldn't you just be able to make yourself happy? Why should you need some material thing or some other person to admit that you finally accept yourself? Nothing's that simple though...is it? So many people make it look effortless to just get up each day with a smile on their face and be content with the way with they are living their meaningless little lives. We as humans find it vital to have some sort of purpose in life. But when it really comes down to it, why does it matter? I find it relevant to question why we have this astounding urge to find a meaning in life.
It seems so hard to function believing that my life really has no purpose. It's hard to barricade myself away and prevent those feelings from bubbling up...those thoughts that find you in the middle of the night when the world seems to be at war. The lightning strikes and thunder rumbles. Children scream and mothers cry. And it's all in your fucking head. An internal dilemma - struggle, if you will. It is like every hero in every book you have read since childhood. The hero has to go through some fight within his own mind. Man against man. Self against self. Just like them, you want to push everyone out. You want them to not matter, if only for a moment. You want to not care.
But you do. Some part of you, no matter how minuscule, will always care. And that's what the really unfortunate part is. No matter how much you try to silence that little voice in your head; no matter how many times you try to suffocate that venomous demon, it will always be there. You are your own worst enemy. Funny how such a common and well known phrase really comes to light when you realize that the only person holding you back is yourself.
I am despondent and alone because I choose to be so. For whatever reason, I am not ready. I have not found what I am looking for in myself. Every time I think I have found the light, it slips from my grasp and I am snapped back to a harsh reality of living a life I have no idea how to control.
I live my life with my feet on the ground and my head on straight. I have prepared myself for the hardships I must experience to make it where I plan to go in life. I feel like I am doing everything right, yet I feel like I seem to be missing out on something. How do you fill a void that exists for reasons that are far beyond your level of knowledge?
How do you stop yourself from slowly suffocating at your own accord?
I guess that's just part of life. You never know what comes next. Even in your own head, where you think you have everything figured out, there is some sense of uncertainty. You cannot predict what you are to do next. And that's just the lives we live. No rights of passage. No way to figure out if you are doing the right thing. No purpose. Just uncertainty.
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