kick the habit

I never really thought you could be addicted to a person. Everyone always tells you to be wary of drugs and alcohol and sex. But they never really tell you to beware of people – at least not in the way you would think. Perhaps I’m wrong in my assumption here, but I think everyone goes through this dilemma sometime in their life of not being able to wean themselves off of someone no matter how hard they try. As much as you tell yourself that you’re over them, you aren’t. You never really will be over them.

You feel safe and at home with that person, no matter how long it has been. With their arms wrapped around you, nothing in the world could cause you harm. It’s unfair really. You chase them and give them all your love and in the end you get nothing back. You know it’s going to happen, but you let it happen anyway because for those moments you are together everything is okay and nothing else matters. A gentle touch here, a playful kiss there. When you two are together the rest of the world is seemingly transparent. It’s all an illusion.

I’m not really sure how it happened, but I fell into this happy little lie. Like all the drugs and alcohol they warned us about as children, I tried him and couldn’t get enough. As he was draining my soul bare, I just kept on smiling and acting as if nothing had happened. He fed off my affection. The longer we were together, the more and more people started to notice that I wasn’t okay. They were all convinced that I should drop him. But how do you just stop something that you feel as though you can’t live without?

With his soft breath on my neck and his arms wrapped firmly around my waist, he was mine. The feel of his muscles stretching over his bones as we kissed and explored the deepest part of each other’s minds sent me into a land of euphoria. I thought, perhaps, if I could get him to want me just one more time then maybe he would love me. I convinced myself that he loved me because he kept coming back. While we were together, I had this delusion that everything was just peachy. He was mine. I was sure of it. I was wrong. How unaware I was of just how much he had conditioned me. Just like any addiction, it owns you before you own it. He had me wrapped around his finger. You are held tightly in the fiery grasp of the addiction, but in the end only you can put out the fire. Only you can walk away.

When we were apart this sense of doubt would start to creep into the bright, sunshiny corners of my brain and cloud my mind. After a while I realized that no matter how many times he said he wanted me, he was not mine. I was not his. We did not love each other. It was just one of those meaningless flings that had just gone on for too long and would probably keep on going if I didn’t get myself back to being a sensible young woman. I’d woken up and gone home smelling like sweat, sex and shame one too many times.

I hated myself. I hated him. Still…no matter what I felt something would always pull me back. There was something about me and him that I couldn’t get enough of. I walked around in this state of confusion for so long thinking he was the one but not understanding why he wouldn’t accept it too. When I came to the realization that he was not mine I also realized that, despite his denial of our so called “love,” he was still just as addicted to me as I was to him. When I left him alone in the dark and walked away, he came running after me.

We may not have loved each other, but there was a sense of comfort between us that I have never experienced with anyone. After all of the stupid shit he put me through and that we did to each other, I still consider him one of my best friends. Although, now I acknowledge the fact that I can live without him. It’s hard to see my life without him in it, and I’ll admit that part of me does actually love him. But I’m not in love with him. And that’s where the difference is. Before you go believing someone is “the one” and that you’re in love with them, take a step back. Look at the situation from someone else’s point of view, as hard as that sounds. Look at all the bad things. Make sure you aren’t overlooking anything. Sometimes, the physical attraction and comfort of being with someone for so long can be confused for love. All it really comes down to is a habit you can’t kick.