Looking back on all the decisions I've made, I do not necessarily regret anything. However, these past two years I've made a lot of bad choices. I've come a long way, but even still I feel as though every step I take forward, I take three steps back. It's like I don't learn from the things that I do. As much as I say that I don't want to be like this anymore and that I can't do this to myself again...it always happens. I have a habit of going out driving when I can't get my mind to stop running around in circles. I shouldn't do this. It helps clear my mind, but I always end up driving places that remind me of things I don't wish to remember. It's like my subconscious just tells me to go there and I do.
Everyone always thinks that I have this grasp on my life that no one else can really have. It's unattainable. No one ever really understands themselves, nor will we ever. Sure, some of us have a better idea of who we are, but in the end does it matter? I keep looking for this purpose...I want to find the reason for all of this. It's not there. It can't be. There is no reason. No one seems to be able to face that fact. Sure, it is frustrating. It can be maddening at times. Still, I live every day in the dark. My actions are even a mystery to me. I fuck up, a lot. I admit it. I've fucked a lot of things up lately and all because I make stupid mistakes.
That's part of being human, I suppose. We slip up. We do stupid things and make mistakes. At the end of the day, we have to live with what we ourselves do. No one else has to live with it. Just you. I guess that's why I move on. I do stupid things and just move on. If other's can't deal with my stupidity and the fact that I'm imperfect because I'm human, then they don't need to be in my life.
I need to find some kind of closure, though. I need a break from this city...time to think.
I don't know what I'm looking for, but I don't think I'll find it here.
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