We had a pretty good discussion the other night. I've had hardly any filter lately when it comes to telling him my feelings and I was drunk. So obviously it was worse than usual. Ha. I had been worried when I first told him I needed to clear my head space about what happened to me three years ago. He seemed like he was upset about the whole situation, but we had been texting. Which was shitty of me.
But. Turns out he felt shitty about pushing me about the subject. I'm just glad I finally told him. It was putting a lot of strain us in little ways. I did not need to apologize, but I could not help but feel we had both been unfair with each other. I do not feel guilty anymore though. I do not give him enough credit with how understanding he is. And being as empathetic that I am, I feel bad because he feels bad because he had put me outside of my comfort zone on more than one occasion.
Experiencing other people's feelings is difficult. Especially considering he and I spend so much time together, I definitely have a hard time untangling his emotions from mine. And I guess I don't really mind. I always thought I would be better off alone the rest of my life, because at one point in my life shutting everyone out and feeling nothing was easier than wading through all of the shit to find myself in my own head.
But these days I would take the shit over feeling so empty. There's less of it because there are less people in my life and when I cannot handle the mess that is me because of emotional exhaustion, someone else is finally there to keep me from crawling back into the dark to hide. And he understands. He makes sure I am alright, but he doesn't pry. He let's me come to him. And I'll admit, sometimes I have to force myself. Not because I do not want to tell him, but rather because I am so used to only confiding in myself after all these years.
I'm really making progress with myself. Some days are worse than others, but I'm figuring out how to function in a way best for me. And it's funny. I've said it before, but I told him more than once that he needed to work on himself if we were to get back together, but I guess I didn't realize how badly I needed to work on myself. After all, if you can't better yourselves apart, you can't better yourselves together.
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