No more tears, my heart is dry

Here I am, just laying in my bed with the fan blowing around the room and my window open. The middle of April, and the stereotypical rain storms are dousing the world in much a needed shower of wetness. The earthy smells and the scent of fresh rain waters tantalize my nose with the promise of warmer weather and happier days. But they also remind me of those days I used to spend cooped up in my bedroom with the window open just a bit and a fan running to keep the humidity out. I spent so much time alone just listening to the storms and smelling the fresh air, wishing I was somewhere else. And yet I find myself doing it all over again. The scent of the earth instills this strong urge in me to just pick up and run, but it also tries to lead me back home. It’s confusing really. Certain things just get to me. I can’t explain how I feel or what I want or why I’m feeling this way…and yet everything makes sense when it rains or when I walk through the woods and touch the bark on the trees. Everything makes sense when the rolling thunder shakes my bones and makes me tremble with delight. I think clearly with the warm summer sun beating on my skin and a light breeze trailing it’s soft finger across my face. I can’t help but smile when raindrops fall on my face and I just want to run and splash in the puddles. These simple things that remind me of such little moments, but make me feel such enormous things. I can’t help but wonder why the human emotion is so hard to put into words and why so many different things can cause you to just…feel. And sometimes you don’t even know what you are feeling. The tightness in your chest just gets so overwhelming from the happiness and anxiety and pride and love and affection and anger and sadness and longing and so many more things that it is just hard to really understand what’s there. Even when you take a step back and ask yourself, “What was I even feeling then? What was I really feeling?” it’s hard to tell because you’re emotions run so wild that it’s hard to keep yourself under control on a day to day  basis. Life is full of emotions and they paint the world with color and music and romance. But they also darken it with wars and ignorance and lies. It’s amazing what one person can do with their emotions. Such a small, ordinary person who has relatively no impact on the world can make very little differences in the way the people around them feel just by changing their emotions. Body language reflects your emotions. Facial expressions effect your emotions. All this nature that I’m experiencing tonight as the rain comes down for what seems to be like an endless shower is calming my soul. It reminds me that there is time to relax. There is time to just be me. I have time to figure things out. It doesn’t matter that I feel as though I haven’t come very far in the past four years. I’ve grown as a person. My life has changed. I just need to get my emotions under control and take a break. Let the waters cool. Figure myself out and then take care of the rest.