cause this is torturous electricity between both of us

I think recent events are further proof of me not being built for relationships. Although, I have to say, I have never been in a position like this before. Two very understanding, very loving people. And both of them put in awful positions because I'm an indecisive human being. And, you know, not to mention they are relatively unaware.

It's frustrating and I can't help but loathe myself.

I am completely at ease with one because they are familiar...comfortable. I know them and they know me. But I have never felt so comfortable with someone I don't know very well as I do with the other. I can be myself around them and they don't hesitate to accept me for who I am.

I keep asking myself - where does my happiness end and their's begin? Am I being selfish by feeling this way, or are they being selfish by asking me to compromise so wholeheartedly as I am? I was already feeling distant and the more I think about what I want out of life, the more distant I become. But I am not sure what I want from them. I know what I want. But don't relationships require compromise? How much, though? Everyone keeps giving me their two cents and it isn't helping. I know I have to make my own decision. And I think - in the back of my mind - I already have. That scares me.

And the other is too nice to ask anything of me, which I am very thankful for. It would make things so much harder. But I still feel awful, because this cannot be easy for them either. I am not the easiest person to deal with, especially considering the circumstances. I am moody. I am unreasonable. I am not quite sure why anyone puts up with me, honestly.

Part of me wants to just ignore this dull ache in the pit of my stomach. The other part of me knows that if I keep pushing it down, it's going to make everything hurt eventually. And not just my everything. I am a fucking time bomb. But I am not ready. I just hope that I'll be able to confine the explosion if it comes down to that. Because I am definitely not emotionally prepared for any of this...