I am starting to think that everything you said to me a year ago is true. I think we are too different. Or maybe I am just struggling with too much right now that I happen to be putting too much pressure on us. Am I being too critical? Or am I finally starting to see what is really there? Or isn't...
I do not just want to walk away from something I have worked so hard to maintain. And I will not. However, I have a lot of shit to sift through and figure out. I am not even sure what I want anymore. Someone comes along to make you question everything you ever believed in, you jump right on in, no questions asked...and years later you take a step back and realize somebody else has come along to make you question things all over again.
I'm struggling. Hard.
I feel weird. I feel wrong. I have not even done anything wrong and I feel wrong. Disconnected. Manic. Neurotic. I acted completely out of character and no one questioned it because what I did is exactly what they wanted me to do...not what I should have done.
How do I compete with that? How do I disappoint everyone by telling them that what they got from me is a complete fabrication resulting from my inability to make decisions for myself?
I would be lying if I said I had not thought about leaving. I am going down a new path that I never thought I would see and it is getting harder and harder to see what lies in front of me. Who lies in front of me? I am scared. I am starting to lose people to distance and age and time. I have hit a wall that I cannot seem to climb over. And - excuse me for the metaphor - I am contemplating just pulling out the bricks at the foundation and walking around it. Because who needs to climb when you can just break it all down?
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