Stronger

Scared couldn't possibly begin to describe it. Terrified. Petrified. Stunned. It's happened before, but I've never been alone when it happened. I think not knowing what's going on is the scariest part of it all. We know it's seizures, but what's causing it is a mystery. The possibility that someone you love dearly could die just like that, even if that's not going to happen...it's terrifying. And it makes you appreciate what you have a lot more.

When you can't even think straight and you're freaking out so badly you can't even talk you find it really hard to concentrate and handle the situation correctly. All you want to do is make it right, make it stop. The fear and the pain of those murky memories popping back into your head and making it hard to think doesn't help. But somehow I stayed calm enough to call an ambulance. I think the right word for what I was feeling would be shock. Nothing else could begin to describe how confused and numb I was.

Throughout this whole situation, I realize over and over again how much in my life I don't appreciate. I go from day to day not really acknowledging the things in my life that could disappear just like that. Along with this situation and something that's been going on internally within me about my friends, I realize that I should tell people I love them because I'll never know when the last time will be that I'll have the chance to say it. Even when someone is getting on my nerves I always need to remember that, everything is unpredictable. You could say goodbye to someone for the very last time, and never have them in your life again...with the blink of an eye. Even if that hasn't happened, the realization that it could happen had made me stronger on the inside. I'm prepared for it if it happens again. I'll be able to handle the situation better. I won't be as scared and I won't be as frantic.

One other thing about this, is that it has woven my relationships together, knit tightly. It's brought people back to me, made me realize that they aren't gone, and they still love me. I may not always remember it, but the people I love in my life mean more to me than I show. And knowing that I've almost lost someone, not in death, but because I made the mistake of pushing them away makes me realize how stupid I've been. How weak I've been and how I've let too many people get to me. I haven't thought for myself. Well now I do. I'm stronger. And nothing will change that, no matter what happens.

I'm sorry if this post didn't make much sense. I just needed to get some things off my chest.