I'm such a dumb ass. And nobody can deny that. I'm on and off, yes and no, hot and cold...all of that. I'm just a little confused. And I can't help it, so I really just want people to leave me alone about it. I'll believe what I want to believe. You don't have to use that tone with me. I told you what I believed then and now I believe something differently. Get over it.
Also, I'm sorry I can't make up my mind. It's just so hard. I can barely understand myself half the time, let alone have coherent enough thoughts for anyone else to understand. It's not something I can control, although I would very much like to.
My brain is running around in circles. I'm getting nowhere with this. Damn..
Why can't I just be like every other teenager and just have understandable thoughts about what I want and what I don't want. I know I have feelings for this person or that person, but what happens when I act upon them? I back out. I change my mind. I don't want to do this or that, but I'm still tempted by the idea of going back there. I like to believe I won't let myself do that again, but there's still a big chance I will go back.
Sometimes I just wanna flail my arms, kick, scream...anything. I just want all the other voices out of my head so I hear solely my own voice. I don't want all of your voices telling me what I should do. I want to make my own decisions for once.
But even if I do make my own decisions, I end up fucking everything up. I just can't win. I hate this. I hate it all. I just need to go away for a while. Sort some things out. Seclusion. Lately that, and sleep, have been my best friend.
What has it all come to?
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