Gah!!!! Being tired and slap happy and emotional and so much more does not make for good mood nor good judgment! The retreat went super well and I'm so proud to part of the Antioch community in my town. Nothing could be more awesome than the family that I have acquired from doing this. Nothing. I love these people to death. But that's the positive part. I need to rant and my mind is soup and I'm confused and angry and pissed off and upset and hurt and happy and excited and tired and just...DERP!
I'm just sitting here thinking about all that I've been put through and all of the bullshit I've had to put up with over the past few months from a few people, but one in particular. And I've forgiven her so many times; over and over again I let her back into my life. But every time I forgive her she pulls the same crap as she did before and I'm just getting sick and tired of it. It's utterly ridiculous. It's nonsensical bullshit as a friend of mine puts it. And then to sit there and tell me that I'm pulling all of this stuff...it just gets under my skin and I'm tired of forgiving someone for the same thing in different situations.
We're taught to forgive others for their sins from the time we first are able to comprehend what that means, but I'm still trying to grasp that concept. I know that He has a plan for all of us but I'm too busy wandering around trying to find what that plan is to really open my eyes and find it. Sure, the retreat was the past three days and you're probably sitting here reading this thinking "Wow she's pretty stupid if she doesn't know what His plan for her is yet when she just spent the last three days having time to ponder over it and talk about it with a multitude of people." But it's just not that simple. The temptations still call to me. Those people who hurt me...there's still feelings deep down in my heart for them.
Can you guys here me? Do you understand what I'm saying?
I still love you.
And I hate you for it...
Neither of them are something I admit all too often, so all of those that I'm referring to probably won't even know I'm referring to them. I can't take back what I did, but I can get rid of the things that make me do what I did; the bad influences, the temptations...I can be rid of them. I just don't know how to do that and I'm struggling to get back on the path that was leading me out of the dark road I've been traveling down for so long. I was so skeptical of myself and my heart was trying to tell me. It's one thing when you lie to someone else, but when you start lying to yourself...that's when things start getting messy. That's where I have to draw the line.
None of this makes sense, I know. My brain is fried right now. I'm just terrified of my thought process right now. It leads me to things I don't want to think about and I'm alone and that scares me. I don't want to be sitting here awake because I'm too worked up to sleep. I don't want to be terrified of my future and the mistakes I'm going to make and all of the pressure I'm going to have to deal with. I know what I need, but it's a matter of letting those things into my head, my heart.
This post is pretty long...but I just...I either don't know what to say or I say to much. With somebody else I just don't know what to say. I mean I can come out to the rest of the world and say it, but I can't upfront say it to his face can I? No. Never. Because it intimidates me and I'm afraid of rejection; terrified of it. I avoid it at all times and that sometimes puts me in it's path all the same. But just for the sake if it, I'll admit it to the world. You want to know how I feel about him? Does you want to know how I feel about you? Do you?
Well guess what? You're one of the most amazing people I've ever met. Despite what I do when I put up my walls and I'm mean to you, I still love you like I love the rest of the people around us. I know you think I hate you, but I don't. It's just my way of protecting myself. I wish I had the guts to tell you how I feel because I've been told that I'm not the only nervous one. It's often the same on the other side. Well if you read this, just know that I'm here. You mean a lot to me. The feelings I have for you aren't something I take lightheartedly. It's not something I'm going to just brush off as nothing. I don't love you, love you, but I definitely feel something for you and I want you to feel something back.
But my pessimism shines through. I know you won't feel something back, because you've probably got someone else. I'm sure you do. But if you're happy, I'm happy. And that's what loving someone, anyone, is about. Sacrifice. No one can truly love someone without sacrificing something. Whether it is their unrequited love, money, the person themselves, a valuable, some other feeling...they give something up for someone they care for. And it's hard not to when you want them to be happy. Because, despite it all, even when they're not with you, but you see them happy...seeing them happy makes you happy in return. And that's one of the only good things about unrequited love. You want them to be happy. When they are, you're content. When they're not, you're distressed and you want to comfort them but it's hard because you don't want to reveal your secret.
But there's also those who I just can't stand to lose, but I'm losing them to people that don't even deserve someone so amazing. I feel so inferior sometimes because I can't say anything or do anything for that matter. I'm a coward. I can't confront people because I just get so angry. So I keep it pent up, but I sometimes I just can't stand it anymore and I lash out and try to take back what was fine to begin with. The people that are taking it from me, are changing those who I love and I hate it. But every time I try to tell someone I get shot down. And now I'm just clueless as to what I should do.
It's hard for me to say what I really want to say. Sorry I'm rambling so much and probably make no sense. I'm just having a hard time keeping my thoughts straight. One thought leads to another and things just go from there. So I'll sum it up in as few words as possible and get out everything I need to get out. I'm good at that.
I hate you.
I love you.
I wish you were mine.
I wish you'd just leave me alone.
You've changed for the worst.
I miss you. Come back...please.
You're being really stupid. Honestly? We're in high school. Sex isn't all that matters.
I love you, but you're out of line.
You're one of my best friends, but things just won't happen between us.
I hate to see you making this mistake...but you're doing it anyways.
I still don't think you're making the right choice in this situation.
You couldn't tell the truth if your life depended on it.
And last, but certainly not least....
I'm sorry. For everything. Please forgive me.
